Monthly Visitor

I don’t know about you, but I hate being a girl for one reason….having my period. There are many reasons I dislike my monthly visitor: it makes me crazy, I act like a bitch, I over analyze things, and my fuse is really short. But the thing that I hate the most about having my period is being scared that I’m not going to get it. Yes, no matter how much I hate having it; I’m more scared of missing it.

Every 30 days, when “that time of the month” is near, I start to panic.

Oh God, what if I’m pregnant…

Then you start to think about the last time you “Did IT”. Did you sit to long enjoying the after sex glow without running to the bathroom to pee to get the love juice outta ya…. (I know this isn’t a proven birth control method, but in my sick head I think if I pee afterwards that the sperm is just going to go down the drain)….. or maybe accidently missing that one day of birth control pills messed up my cycle and now I’m knocked up.

Then you start to really panic.

What if I’m pregnant….

I really shouldn’t have had that 12 pack the other night….

how am I going to have 2 babies in diapers at the same time…..

I don’t think we can afford 2 kids yet….

and simply I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW.

For those of you without children this is really friggin scary. You think….. who is the daddy (yeah, you know you ask yourself that)…..

my life is over as I know it…..

and again I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

You notice that even if you aren’t a religious person that you all of a sudden find God and start praying to him….

Lord, if you make my period come, I promise I’ll never miss a pill again….

or for you lucky ladies that have multiple men in your life….Lord, I promise I’ll make sure the guy wears a condom or even ….

Lord, I’ll never have sex with random strangers again!

When you sit down to pee, you wipe extra hard and then stare at the toilet paper hoping for the littlest sign of blood or even the brownish stuff. After you see none of this, you panic even more….

should I take a pregnancy test…

what if it comes back positive…what am I going to do.

Then you tell yourself to just pretend everything is fine and wait one more week to buy a pregnancy test, because hey….Aunt Flow might just be too busy for a visit…right?

And why are pregnancy tests so damn expensive and they give you like 1 or 2. Come on…if I get a positive, I’m going to need to see about 10 of them showing the little pink plus sign, not 2!

Then, when your monthly visitor does arrive you are very thankful but it doesn’t take long and you soon forget your promise to God and you go through it all over again next month.