Yeah, I know it is Flashback Friday…but I need to get something off my chest b/c I think I might be loosing my mind. Besides, what like 3 people read this thing...so I'm sure you will not care!
1st, my husband doesn’t think I’m fun anymore and to be honest, neither do I. When I come home from work, I’m tired and want to go to bed because I know in a few hours I will be up with my 4 month old and the rest of the night will just be naps in-between the “shhh-ing” and feeding. I hate this. I don’t hate my child; I love him and would do anything for him…that is why I do this over and over each night. I long for the nights my husband has off and I have to work the next day, because that means I get a night off. I know that is wrong to say, but it is the truth. I want to sleep all night without waking up…even though my internal clock goes off at just about the exact time my son is about to start scream crying, but at least I don’t have to wake up with him.
2nd, I hate my friggin job…I really do. With my last job I used to feel important and had responsibilities, but now I’m just an overpaid, overqualified babysitter for middle aged people. Seriously, I am. I feel like I have to pick-up after kids, plan their parties and fix their house. I get paid very well for what I’m doing, but it doesn’t mean I like it.
3rd, I have no friends that live by me and those that do have their own life and don’t want to play with me….well…because like my husband said, I’m boring. It sucks that even when I want to escape my house, that I have no place to go besides Target and I am poor so really what is the point of walking in there….more torture please???
4th, my husband and I would really like to move to our hometown, but then I would have to take a pay cut…and not just a little one…over half!!! I have so many bills right now that I don’t even think that if I did find a job there, which will never happen, that we wouldn’t be able to move because we wouldn’t be able to afford to live. We were talking last night and are thinking that maybe in 5 years we could move home. This makes me sad. I want to be by my friends and family. I want friends to just drop over and visit just because they were in the area and to go to my families house for dinner and it not be on a weekend!
5th, I want to live in a house and not an apartment anymore. I really enjoy my place now, but I would love to be able to have a garden or even cut my own grass. Oh…and paint the walls…why oh why can’t we paint the friggin walls in apartments. Hate that all of them are stark white…can we say institution? We actually have been saving to buy a house and we could…but what would be the point? We don’t know where we are going to be next year so owning a home would just make us “stuck” in some local that we would probably end up needing to leave.
There….now I feel a little better, but still need to get a good cry out I think. Oh, yes…you are right, I have a visitor coming this weekend…good old “Aunt Flow”….so that is probably why I feel like I’m losing my mind.
4 comments:
(Sigh, deep breath, and...go) Ok, CP, here it is. The truth about the truth. I know you hate advice from those that are not asked, but here it is. I will number my comments to go accordingly with your numbers.
1. On being boring....I felt the same way for months after Lola was born as well. To be honest, I am just now starting to feel fun or sexy or womenly again. She is 1!!! Took some time to get it back but it came. This is something that you and your husband need to address together. I know your tired but suck it up one night a week. Same for him!! It is hard to see, but your marriage needs to come first!!!! Bottom line!
2. J-O-B! Yuck! I can't say I have a lot of advice on this nor valid. I know you hate it!! I just think you need to keep on keepin on. Keep looking. Look from here to there... Something will find you.
3. I totally hear ya on the no friends that live near by. It sucks! Play dates need to be set. Especially with the winter fast approaching us. All friends need to be help accountable for this. Get off your asses and lets hang with one another!!!
4. Moving home. A crazy thought if you ask me but I know you both love it there and drive there so much anyways. Again...keep on keepin on and you will get there. Set a goal of 3 years. MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!
5. House. You may wanna cut grass now but I guarantee you this will not be the case after you have that house! There is SO MUCH work into a house. But I hear ya! It will come. Set that goal!!
Keep with it momma! Things get better. Oh... start breaking those bad habits of that baby!!! As long as you let him do it...he will!!!!!!!
HA HA. Gosh..I feel the same way! Except I’ve been a boring biotch for a few years now! LOL. I try and try to be excited, happy, when I get home and then it’s me doing dinners, baths, bedtime and then finally getting my own dinner at 9pm. My husband and I don’t have the same idea of what needs to be done and so if I ask for help he laughs at me. But seriously he doesn’t have a problem sitting on the couch while I feed our child and give her a bath. He’s getting better…SLOWLY. Like maybe one night a week. But I still have to go up and help him so what’s the point?
We’re in the same boat with the job and the house………I’ve been trying to tell myself positive things this week…….it helps a little…….however Aunt Flow came this morning so maybe next week will be better.
Deep breaths meme – it’ll be okay. I don’t think there was a prep course for ‘life’ in college and G.D. there should’ve been. Had we taken it, we might have known that things become routine and money becomes an issue and oh by the way, you’re gong to be tired as f*ck every night when you get home from work. A little
pre-framing would’ve been nice. I realize now more than ever, that life takes work and commitment and constant changing of priorities and routines. Not to be dramatic, but I feel like it’s a constant struggle to achieve balance. I’m trying it all, yoga and socializing and crying and telling myself I’m not boring. Thank God for my shrinkJ I mean can’t there be an equation…..cute boy + sufficient funding + fun job + nice house + non-jumping dog = HAPPY? I mean really, on the surface it seems like it should be easy. So why in the eff is it so hard? I just don’t get it. I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. Seems weird, but whatever. Everyone is so busy trying to put on a happy face that we don’t even realize what’s going on with eachother. So I’m going to tell you what made me feel better:
making a hot tottie last weekend. Some apple cider, a little rum, brown sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon sticks, cloves and an apple. Threw it on the stove and let the games begin. We carved a pumpkin, toasted some seeds in the oven and got our drink on. I don’t remember the last time I had so much fun. We laughed like crazy people! I think just enjoying the fall was ½ the fun.
Oh and your husband doesn’t think you’re boring, even if he said it. He just misses YOU. That’s all
I love that last comment.... "He just misses you." Perfectly said.
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