Flashback Friday

One of my friends told me I should write about some of the crazy events I've experienced in my past. That sounded like a soap opera didn't it??? Marlana from Days of Our Lives is always talking about her very mysterious past...well mine isn't so puzzling, just nuts. Anywho...I've decided to make a fun play on words and have all Friday entries be my "flashback" to the past.

To be honest, I don't know where to begin. In my 30 years of life, I've encountered numerous loonies, had many adventures that should have resulted in my death and those random occurrences that make you ask yourself "did that really just happen". Well, for me all these things are pretty much normal. Oh....where do I start....how about the Fast Lanes, Fat Asses and the Greyhound Bus story....that is always a fun one to tell. By the way, I totally just made up the name of the story, usually we just call it the Pissing out the Window story, but this other title is wayyyy cooler. It goes a little something like this......

I'm guessing we had to be about 16 or 17 years old when we decided to take a 2 hour road trip to visit my best friend's brother at college for a fun filled weekend of boys, booze and parties. Three of us packed up, not forgetting our beer of course, and headed on our way. What road trip doesn't include a few "roadies", so I started to down beer after beer. After about 30 minutes into the trip, I needed to pee. Now mind you, I have the smallest bladder on the planet. My friends have ripped on me about this for my entire life. I'm not going to lie; I'm like a 50 year old man with prostate problems. Seriously, I wake up like 10 times a night to go pee only to have a trickle. I have issues and peeing a lot is only the tip of the iceberg. Anyway, my friend who was driving and who was not drinking (thank God one of us was responsible) was well aware of my bladder control trouble, told me that this was my last stop and next time she was going to make me go out the window. I thought for sure she was joking. She was my friend, she would pull the car over, or so I thought. I did what any normal teen would do, I continued to drink. I was on vacation, having fun, living free and partying like I was in college and my bladder was not about to stop me.

We were having fun. Scream singing "SHE'S GOT BETTY DAVIS EYES", guzzling beer and enjoying the ride when it hit me. PEE...I had to go. I nicely asked my best-est friend in the entire world to stop the car so I could go potty. She said she had warned me, wasn't about to stop and for me to go out the window. I sat there and thought about it. I didn't have the right equipment to pee in a bottle like a boy and I didn't want to show up to my first college campus with wet pants. I made the decision that I was going to try and pee out the window, but when I looked out I realized we were doing 80 in the fast lane of the expressway, which was going to make this all that more difficult. If I wasn't half in the bag and my drunken superpowers hadn't kicked in I wouldn't have done it, but with enough liquid courage anything was possible.

I took off my seatbelt, because really....why would I need that thing on if I was going to be hanging my fat ass out of a window doing 80mph. I brought up both feet onto the seat, pulled down my pants and stuck my butt out. Who would have thought that when you stretched your arms out that they would perfectly fit the width of the car window making it ideal to stabilize me while I pee'd? My friend was laughing so hard that she didn't realize she had slowed the car down, which was allowing all the other traffic to pass by my pissing ass...well vag really...but you understand what I'm getting at. I remembered looking back and seeing a Greyhound Bus, I'm guessing full of seniors heading to the casino, staring at me in complete and utter disgust. Yeah, I got a few honks and "YEAH BABY", but I'm sure most people were appalled.

Still to this day, I can't believe I pissed out of a moving vehicle on the expressway and didn't die. I would never do it now...>I would much rather wet my pants. Do me a favor...if any of you know my child...NEVER TELL HIM THIS STORY!!! But, I guess he has the right equipment and could go in a bottle.