Christmas Time…..so joyous or that’s what we say

When I was a child I enjoyed and actually look forward to Christmas each and every year, but as an adult....I dread it.  I hate shopping (thank you dearest internet for making this a bit more bearable), putting up the tree (my stupid cat love this because there are so many fun things for him to play with at 3AM), and traveling all over Tim-buck-too visiting everyone.

Shopping for other adults isn't fun anymore.  Why??? Because we are adults...if we want something, we buy it!  We don't write Santa Clause and give him our wish list
         
Dear Santa,
        We need a new roof and our plumbing is about to go too.  I pomise my cookies are worth it.  
        I'll leave the hammer, nails, and plunger.  Hope this helps!!

I've noticed that ever year, shopping gets more and more difficult...because I don't know what to get people anymore.  I don't.  I end up wasting money on stupid little things that end up being tossed in the closet, re-gifted, or donated to Good Will.  So....going forward, I will not be buying any adult family members Christmas gift.  Instead, my family is going to adopt a needy family.  A family that NEEDS things...not wants them, but NEEDS them...and usually the basics things we take for granted like new undies or a winter coat...not the latest Flip Camera (which by the way is totally kick-ass....not on my list to Santa...I bought it myself) or the latest trend in Ugly Boots (play on product name here).  I want to support a family that really is hurting and that will appreciate the gifts we give them...not use them for the families pink elephant gift exchange.
OR.....maybe instead, we can save the money that we would normally spend on gifts into a savings account and then use it for a family vacation each year....or we could save for 5 years and take an extravagant trip....but then again we are back to the WANTS not the NEEDS....but usually I NEED a vacation...so I could argue this point!

People I do enjoy shopping for are kids.  They are fun to buy things for, but usually they get way too much stuff.  So...I am resorting to the good old Saving Bonds.  Every year, my nieces and nephews can expect to get a nice blank piece of paper from our trusting government ensuring them that says "we will give you double your money in just over 10 years...(or however long it takes)"....because we can trust the government with our money...I mean....look at our Social Security...that will be around forever.  Phew....

I hate having a Christmas Tree.  Okay, I lied.  I enjoy the flickering of the lights at night like most people do, but I hate having a tree with a cat who thinks my hours of work to place each tiny ornament in just the right spot is all for his enjoyment.  He spends the entire day napping, which is what cats do for a living, but during the night it is GAME ON...like he is out to win the Stanley Cup!  The noise of the ornaments rolling around on the tile floor and banging against my dinning room chair at the wee hours of the morning or the noise my tree makes when his tiny little paws are batting at the next ornament to be doomed to be a hockey puck means the holiday's are here!!  But you know the sound I enjoy the most....it is the cries he makes when I spray him with water trying to make him stop.  Now that...is music to my ears.

Last but not least is the joyousness (is that even a word) of traveling all over hell to visit people on icy, snowy roads.  Now that really brings holiday cheer to a girl!  Lets all get bundled up to go visit the family and count the seconds til grandma says "pack an extra blanket in case you go in the ditch"...like 1 fricken blanket is going to do the trick. oh...and don't forget your presents, which fill the car to the rim so you can't see out any windows...that is safe for winter driving too!!

Overall though, I bitch and complain about the holidays, but I do really enjoy them.  I love seeing my family open that one present that they had no idea we were getting them and they actually like it.  I love eating, sharing stories with the family, and watching old classic Christmas movies, but really....I just love being with my family.

Happy Holidays!

Horn-Ball

I DVRed the Oprah Show “Why Millions of Women Are Using Porn and Erotica” on Tuesday not because I was looking forward to this particular episode or anything, but to be honest with you, I DVR all of Oprah’s shows. I told you I was a dork. Anyways…I found this topic to be very interesting, because I’m one of these dirty bitches that enjoys a good erotic film every now and then.

Now, don’t misunderstand erotica for hardcore porn, it’s not even remotely the same. I’m not into Big Jim and the Twins slamming into a chick and having their pleasure juice shot all over the hot girls face…YUCK!!! Seriously…why do guys like that? It makes me feel like they treat all women as “holes”…yes holes and not whores…but they do that too I guess. Why do they like to watch that? I guess the same reason us women enjoy the “more plot” of a porn and really dig the foreplay scenes….because were not getting it at home, so we have to watch it!

There is something else about porn that I find amazing. Men watch it to jerk off too…but I’m sure most women don’t get out the lube, turn on the DVD player just to flick their bean. Nope…this is a guy thing…well okay, maybe we do it once in awhile, but the majority of us are too busy for this. More than likely, we are multi-tasking as we are enjoying our soft core porn. BUZZZ the dryer is done and you are folding cloths all while you are getting hot and bothered watching Fabio romantically kiss and fondle the hot women with absolutely no hair on her crotch and no razor burn or bumps ...(how do they do that?...and Fabio is NASTY....I think I seen him strip at one of my friends bachelorette parties and he hurt his leg! LOL).

Another thing, why do guys all get together to watch porn and go to strip clubs? I mean, do they enjoy watching their buddies get a boner? When us girls watch porn together, we seem to always be making comments like “man, he has a big one”…. “yuck, look at her tramp stamp” or “oh, cute shoes she has on”….we aren’t sitting around in silence getting excited like guys do.

Yeah, most of us would love to be able to please our man like the ladies on the movies….that is why Jenna Jameson’s book “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale” was on the best sellers list for weeks! We all wonder…are we really good at it? Yeah, I think and (cough, cough, I don’t mean to brag) have been told I give amazing BJ’ers…but sometimes just looking at my husbands wang will make it go “off”. So is it really me doing such a great job or is it just the fact that I’m touching it for a change that is pleasure enough? I think I might need to buy this book!!

To be honest though, I’ve always been into the kinky stuff. I love Howard Stern, because he is one dirty bastard and can get girls on his show to do anything. I also really enjoy watching the WE Channels “Secret Life of Women”, which each week follows a different group of ladies where they reveal what they really do behind closed doors. For example, one week it showed how the Mail Order Bride thing worked….and did you know that these girls take classes on how to make their man happy in bed! It taught them things like what to do if the mans wiener was too big or too small….and everything in-between!!! I kinda wish we had this class in school instead of Home Ec…at least I would get some use out of it! I know there are a lot of other naughty girls out there or else this show wouldn’t be on WE, the Women’s Entertainment Network!!

Now by how much I talk about sex, you think my husband and I would be banging every night…but that just isn’t the case. We are just too tired sometimes and really are too lazy to do anything about it. Lame, yes I know….! Thank God for the movies!!

What Not To Wear

I hate all my clothes; every single item. I wish it was like back when you were a kid and your mom and dad took you school shopping every year before you returned to class in the fall. Why don’t we do that for ourselves anymore? Oh I know why, because we have bills and responsibilities which doesn’t allow you to always be up on trends and fashion.

I used to get so excited to go shopping when I was a kid. There were so many wonderful things to choose from and you got to update everything. New silk shirts, hammer pants, sweater vests, you name it we got it…..not because we were fashionistas but because we grew out of last years cloths and we didn’t want to look like a tool wearing flood pants.

Well damn it, I had a kid and I “grew” out of some of my clothes too. I wanna call my mom and dad and say….hey, I know you are having financial difficulties right now, but you forgot to take me back to work shopping this year. I need a few pairs of slacks (yup…slacks just like grandma wore), bras (since my tits are now sagging down to my bellybutton) and about 5 pairs of shoes (while I was pregnant I was blessed to have my feet grow an entire size so none of my fun, cute shoes fit anymore).

Yeah, I occasionally go shopping for myself, but I feel so guilty doing it. I pick up a beautiful shirt, grabbing hold of the hanger and look at myself in the mirror and think about how hot I would look in this fine cloth….then I look at the price tag. $40 for a shirt!!!!! Shit… I can pay an entire month of electricity for that amount of money. The guilt automatically starts…..and then I decide not to buy it. Once in a great while I’ll actually purchase one of these show stoppers, but by the time I get home I have guilted myself into not taking it out of the bag so I can return it for full refund the next day.

Another thing about shopping now as an adult it that it isn’t much fun anymore. I’m not in the Forever 21 Group….because hello, I’m not 21….so give up the low cut, ass showing jeans ladies…we are old! I'm also not in the Coldwater Creek Club w/ the old lady sweaters and floral patterns bouncing all over the place. So where do I shop you ask…Target mostly and the only reason I do that is because I can also buy groceries and diapers and easily grab a hanger off some rack of a $10 shirt when I walk by it and then wait to try it on until I get home…why?...because it isn’t fun trying on clothes w/ a screaming baby and I know I’ll be coming back to Target tomorrow to buy some more crap that I forgot to get on the 1st trip!....and well…I love Target!

Someday, I will be so far behind on fashion that I will be that girl in People Magazine with the blacked out face with the caption “OUT DATED” with a photo of a hot celebrity next to me who is wearing the newest trend with “LOVE IT” or something stupid like that for the title. My kids will be so embarrassed by my clothing and how I look that they will submit me to be on What Not To Wear and I will win…if you can really win on that show.

Man, if you are my friend…please don’t let it ever come to that!! If I look like a douche, tell me and then take me shopping.